What I Hate About Poker: 101

It's enough to say that you hate sitting at a poker table with 'donkeys'. It's enough to say that you hate bad beat stories...don't we all, yet we all seem to sneak our's in in some ninja like fashion. I prefer the "Let me tell you a funny story about how karma kicked me..." I know it's a bad beat story, but I am trying to fool my listener.

The other night Rich mentioned that we should write a book. That book, in all its wisdom and glory, will be called "Poker Jackassery". Within the already legen...wait...dary pages of this imaginary book, we have placed our ideas and while it may never come to pass, the fleeting thought of getting those things which we see at the tables on paper is cleansing. We joke about it, but a part of me truly wants to write this book. Who knows...it could happen.

What I do want to do today, and it could be included in such a book, is talk about the things I absolutely tire of when playing in the donkaments that have become my weekly ritual. I will outline them one by one in case anyone from the league who offends my very intelligence actually reads this...

Bad Excuse Syndrome
We all know they are out there and from time to time we use them ourselves. Making statements like "I was pot commited" are our way of making a bad decision seem like a better one in our own minds, but here is the catch. If you call off the last half of your stack with Ace high because you had a feeling, "pot commited" isn't the truth and it's a horrible excuse. My favorite example comes from a couple weeks ago when a player called all in, not pushed himself, called all in with a marginal hand and stated "Well, I was short stacked". I said "You have almost 4000 in front of you and blinds are 200/400...you are only down 1000 from your original stack." He stuck to the "short stack" theory and exited the table. Good riddance. The other good one came from my 3rd person perspective. My good buddy Hoosh was in a hand...at the time he was next to me, Rich was sitting nearby and he was eating, talking and just generally having fun. He raises preflop, continuation bets the flop, checks the turn and ends up having to check the river. He turns over a complete bluff...the other player turns over Ace high. Now...you say she made a good call...and got to check it down. What I say is why did she call post flop? She hit nothing. Does noone believe in "Hit it or quit it" anymore? She states "Well...you weren't trying to read me, so I knew you were bluffing." I have 2 problems with this argument. 1. It sucks. 2. Its BFP...noone makes reads here and if you think you can, you are mistaken. I would feel much better if people would just say "I was a donkey there. I am not sorry I won, but I apologize that you saw me behaving like this." She did admit it was a horrible play, so I give her that one. We agreed with her.

Failure to Fold (FTF)
I have seen different figures, but I believe that the general consensous is that you should fold about 75-80% of your hands to be successful over the long haul. Now, I realize that most of the play I am seeing online and live is not from people who consider the long haul. I shared this with a player a few weeks ago (we will call him PT for Prison Tattoo), but I want to say it out loud here...If you want to improve your game 100%, go home, shuffle some cards. Deal yourself 2. Pretend the much is 6 inches in front of you. Throw the cards there. Deal yourself 2 more. Throw the cards there. Rinse and repeat. It's a simple thing here...over the long haul, your A-4 is a 9 to 1 underdog against a higher ace and you will win 1 out of 10 times with it. It should seem simple anyway. The truth is easy...noone says "Hey, let's go to the casino and fold all day!", but that's what you have to do to win and show a profit. Perhaps my expectations are at fault with this one and that pisses me off even more. The game becomes a situation where you, as the favorite preflop, have to pray that you hit one of your "outs". The favored hand shouldn't need outs, but it does.

What Could Have Been
This is one I do as well and I really need to stop it. It can cause bad habits and can give you short sighted memory in which you consistently remember the "if's and but's". I hear it every table, several times a table..."If I hadn't folded I would have 2 pair right now." We fold for a reason. Sometimes online, I try to not even remember my cards after I fold so that I don't do this...I need to apply that to my live game. What happens is that we remember "Well, J-2 flopped a full house one time, maybe I should call this min-raise and see if it does it again." It's the classic case where we remember what the cards do not. It makes us worse as players and wears on you mentally when the cards just do not hit again. I really gotta stop this in my own game.

Apologies Not Accepted
This is one of my pet peeves at the tables...do not under any circumstance apologize for winning a hand. If you make a bad call, admit the call, but rake your chips and shut up. You are not sorry or you should give your chips back to the person. If you were sorry, you shouldn't have entered the hand...actually, if you apologize at any time, you shouldn't be sitting at the table. It is a competition and there are winners and losers. Do not apologize to me for putting a bad beat on me. I will put a beat on you at some point and I WILL NOT apologize. We are suppose to be in it to win it...casualties happen. Just limp away because to be honest, I wanted my one outer to hit and send you to the rail. Have a drink. Watch the TV, just walk away now.

It is enough to put up with the behavior that comes along with playing poker in a public place like a bar. Drunkards, donkeys, helpless players who should freaking get it by now...they all show up and they all want to play. What makes it tiring is when people who know better fall into the things I have mentioned.

Our top players tournament is next weekend and a part of me has a looming dread that is just festering. I know that a huge tournament with money and prizes on the line will not change the play of some of the people. I know that I will have to fend off the things that annoy me most. I pray that before that Saturday dawns, I am able to push all of that into a mental closet and ignore the burgeoning anger that is growing in my heart. I need to focus this energy into a positive force and win this tournament. It's the only way I can look at a former champion and say "That was a horrible play. I won a championship too....and I played better than that. You need to play like you know something and quit being a donkey. Ship my chips!!!"

That'll be the day...